i can’t keep lying to myself

i don’t belong.

i never did.

i’ve never felt so strongly about giving up as i do now.

nothing can cheer me up anymore.

so whats the point

fuck my life

muscles, teeth, and boredom

today i get to have my teeth cleaned. oh yay !. dentists are fun sometimes. other than that i think i’m gonna start working out in my spare time to fix my stomach up into something more muscular. awesome. and i’ll be so bored before work i’ll probably clean the house and talk to random people. why in hell can’t i have a simple life lol.

getting a grip

i feel much much better about everything right now. I don’t feel sad, angry, confused, or awkward. I am happy with the people around me and who i am . I’m glad i took the time to realize whats important and how to laugh again. things are looking up. and i keep moving forward. =]

I wont be around for very long anyways.

Feeling down

I’m a bad person i think.

i do and say a lot of things i don’t mean.

i should not lead people on and never go see them

i shouldn’t lead anyone on when i know i don’t want a relationship.

So why do i do this to myself? Am i such a loser that i need to hear people tell me i’m cute or a sweetheart. that i am incapable of evil? i know thats untrue. so even though its 3:30 am I’m still drinking the night away. pouring that much more of my life down the drain.

Someone fix me please

kitten kitten, little black kitten

So i’m bored. i have a cat on my lap. She is watching me type this. i feel tired but very unwilling to sleep. the pains i used to feel have gone away. I feel like I’m starting anew. i just feel really messed up about a lot of things. i broke promises. i lie to myself. i refuse to just go away when i know i should. i know nobody reads this blog. or that many people really care. and yeah its been a while since i wrote anything, i don’t care. i gave up on a lot of things when i lost jessica. it was a bad personal decision but through which i have learned. I learned also that as much as she will deny it. I AM at fault for losing her. I treated her wrong. grew too attached too quick. called too often. i know now why it ended. and while i am filled with regret. i feel peace for her. she is able to move on. and so i have as well. to a degree. i have become someone i can respect and be proud of being. even if i am on the inside just the same as everyone else. my life is going to end someday. while i don’t know when. I’m sure it’ll happen when I’m alone. in my darkest hour.

Work for me has changed drastically. I work seventy to seventy five hours every week just to keep up on car payments and bills. it has to be done. i need to save up and finish college. I’m thinking when i get out of college if things havent changed, if noone gives me a reason to stay. i think i might move. south. somewhere warm year round with less money trouble. idk though.

things are still to early to be certain.

If you are reading this.

I’m sorry.(For everything)

New car

Figures. something good happens to me and something a hundred times as bad happens at the same time.

I hate myself, i hate my life. i just want to fix her problems and let her live happily but i never get a fucking break. nope . casey gets tough shit wherever he goes. sure i have a car now but for what point. to just work the rest of my life away. fuck this. grrr!

i just want to be with her and be able to make her happy. why cant i just do that.

=[

perhaps i just need to relax

i still feel the same

About you my love.

i got bored today and went looking at your previous blog entries. this is how i feel still about you and i quote.

“I am sorry I didnt write you a super long paragraph thing, I was more so hoping to find the perfect song to put in here but that is hard to do. You make me so happy, You are amazing, funny, smart, adorable,sweet, and super good looking, not that that ones a big deal because all of the others rule it out. I am super happy you asked me out!

I will never ever try to change you, what needs to be changed honestly? You are already fantastic as it is! I love you for who you are, babe.

I’ll keep looking for that song

In the meantime

I want you to know
With everything, I won’t let this go
These words are my heart and soul
And I’ll hold on to this moment you know
As I bleed my heart out to show
And I won’t let go”

I will love you forever. No matter what you act like or how you look. Your fantastic the way you are love.

Thank you so much for being yourself and loving me back. =]

Fixed

There are times that i just don’t act right. When i make the wrong choice or jump to conclusions. As i am told these are common mistakes among common people. Well i don’t like being placed alongside everyone else. =]. i know i am a different person than all others. So I’m going to keep myself from overreacting and jumping to conclusions. I will no longer worry about things. I will , as i always have, keep my promises to those i love. There are only a few of the important people left in my life. I want to make sure that they all know how much i love and care for them. No matter how bad my day is going i am going to try and make them smile. I have been a great pain in the ass for a lot of people for sometime now. I feel that i am however starting over fresh. It feels good to change little obnoxious things about myself. Like cleaning it gives me a sense of release. My problems don’t seem so great when Jess is around. I can’t wait for the move this fall, and to spend this summer together. She really does complete me. I owe her a lot. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. For some reason this website means a lot to me.

-CJH